As I previously mentioned, my father made sure that I was a gigantic dork and social outcast to prevent me from dating and so he didn’t have to go far to find a sports watching buddy. It was inevitable, however, that even I was going to find someone to date, though it didn’t happen until college.
The day before I left for Pepperdine my father told me just how proud he was of all that I’d accomplished but “who’s going to watch baseball with me?” I said something quick and had to leave the room to cry for about 20 minutes as my father is and was my best friend. I stepped on to campus with all my college shit in boxes and bags and moved my crap in. I moved in the middle of the school year (I’ll explain why in another post – it has something to do with being a total fucking asshole) and I was the only one in my dorm for a week or so; it was a little bit like living in a ghost town. After that first week I sauntered back to my dorm room and heard some shuffling noises and realized that one of my suitemates was back! Yay! I skipped over to meet her and she introduced herself and we chit chatted a bit. One of her very first questions to me was, “Do you have a boyfriend?” “No,” I replied. “Well you won’t find one here.” Awesome, I learned very quickly that I had just entered a campus that was generally full of closeted gay Christian men and immature assholes (As an aside I know a lot of guys from Pepperdine that are very nice straight mature assholes so I apologize for the generalization). Obviously I was very excited to have a solid platform to start dating men as I love dating gay men and immature assholes. (Fact: I actually do really love dating immature assholes; it’s a hobby of mine and I mean that in the best way possible.) However, I actually had a decent bit of success dating immature assholes at Pepperdine because of two things: 1. I too am an immature asshole and 2. I have really cheap taste. Number two was extremely important at Pepperdine because dinner at a Malibu restaurant can run you upwards of something close to your tuition if you aren't careful. Lucky for me I like burgers and nachos.
After my first semester at school I finally was asked out on a date. It was kinda sorta my first real date ever so I was nervous and didn't really know how to behave. To give you some perspective, I still don't know how to behave on a date and it's been 10 years. In addition to having no dating skills, I was on a very different eating schedule from most people in college because my parents work schedule was never 9-5. When my parents were both full time officers, one worked during the day and the other at night. To keep my parents sane, we were on a very strict schedule; I was usually up around 6am, ate lunch around 10:30/11am and had dinner around 4pm, like all the really old people. I have grown out of this schedule but when I was in college I still got hungry on that schedule. I also was training for a marathon and had done a 10 mile training run a few hours before my date. I wanted to eat a ginormous meal at 4pm but I was encouraged by my girlfriends to not spoil my dinner date. For people that don't eat the way I do, this is probably reasonable advice. Telling someone like me not to eat when I'm hungry is ALWAYS BAD ADVICE. I listened to my girlfriends and let them dress me and do my hair because I'm absolutely hopeless at trying to look pretty.
For my date we went to go see The Ring and have dinner at Red Robin. At this point it's got to be at least 8pm and I am FUCKING STARVING. When I'm hungry I can't hear; I can't think; I turn into a total caveman. We get a table and I glance through the menu and I'm pretty sure I ordered a bacon guacamole burger. I can't remember what he ordered, all I remember is thinking that I need that fucking burger to arrive 10 minutes ago. I'm doing my best to act like I'd imagine a normal person would act and be chit chatty and polite to my date but I'm sure I failed miserably at that. Finally the burgers arrived...and if my date had any remaining thoughts that I was a well behaved lady I can assure you in the next few minutes I immediately removed any doubt from his mind that I was, in fact, NOT. I INHALED the burger. It's sort of a blur, I just remember staring at the 1/4 of my burger that was left and thinking, "OH NO, I TOTALLY FUCKED THIS UP SO BADLY." I mustered up the nerve to look at my date - his jaw dropped and I could see that he had taken maybe a few bites out of his burger. I looked up at him and then dropped my head in my hands and said, "OH MY GOODNESS, I'M SO BAD AT THIS!" He looked up and a huge grin ran across his face. He chuckled and said, "That's NEVER happened before! I think I need to order a second round of fries to feel like a man!" I apologized for being a total fuckup and the funniest thing happened, he told me it was one of the coolest things that he'd ever seen. We ended up dating for over two years.
And that's the extent of my charm.
I'm going to go adopt some cats now.
The day before I left for Pepperdine my father told me just how proud he was of all that I’d accomplished but “who’s going to watch baseball with me?” I said something quick and had to leave the room to cry for about 20 minutes as my father is and was my best friend. I stepped on to campus with all my college shit in boxes and bags and moved my crap in. I moved in the middle of the school year (I’ll explain why in another post – it has something to do with being a total fucking asshole) and I was the only one in my dorm for a week or so; it was a little bit like living in a ghost town. After that first week I sauntered back to my dorm room and heard some shuffling noises and realized that one of my suitemates was back! Yay! I skipped over to meet her and she introduced herself and we chit chatted a bit. One of her very first questions to me was, “Do you have a boyfriend?” “No,” I replied. “Well you won’t find one here.” Awesome, I learned very quickly that I had just entered a campus that was generally full of closeted gay Christian men and immature assholes (As an aside I know a lot of guys from Pepperdine that are very nice straight mature assholes so I apologize for the generalization). Obviously I was very excited to have a solid platform to start dating men as I love dating gay men and immature assholes. (Fact: I actually do really love dating immature assholes; it’s a hobby of mine and I mean that in the best way possible.) However, I actually had a decent bit of success dating immature assholes at Pepperdine because of two things: 1. I too am an immature asshole and 2. I have really cheap taste. Number two was extremely important at Pepperdine because dinner at a Malibu restaurant can run you upwards of something close to your tuition if you aren't careful. Lucky for me I like burgers and nachos.
After my first semester at school I finally was asked out on a date. It was kinda sorta my first real date ever so I was nervous and didn't really know how to behave. To give you some perspective, I still don't know how to behave on a date and it's been 10 years. In addition to having no dating skills, I was on a very different eating schedule from most people in college because my parents work schedule was never 9-5. When my parents were both full time officers, one worked during the day and the other at night. To keep my parents sane, we were on a very strict schedule; I was usually up around 6am, ate lunch around 10:30/11am and had dinner around 4pm, like all the really old people. I have grown out of this schedule but when I was in college I still got hungry on that schedule. I also was training for a marathon and had done a 10 mile training run a few hours before my date. I wanted to eat a ginormous meal at 4pm but I was encouraged by my girlfriends to not spoil my dinner date. For people that don't eat the way I do, this is probably reasonable advice. Telling someone like me not to eat when I'm hungry is ALWAYS BAD ADVICE. I listened to my girlfriends and let them dress me and do my hair because I'm absolutely hopeless at trying to look pretty.
For my date we went to go see The Ring and have dinner at Red Robin. At this point it's got to be at least 8pm and I am FUCKING STARVING. When I'm hungry I can't hear; I can't think; I turn into a total caveman. We get a table and I glance through the menu and I'm pretty sure I ordered a bacon guacamole burger. I can't remember what he ordered, all I remember is thinking that I need that fucking burger to arrive 10 minutes ago. I'm doing my best to act like I'd imagine a normal person would act and be chit chatty and polite to my date but I'm sure I failed miserably at that. Finally the burgers arrived...and if my date had any remaining thoughts that I was a well behaved lady I can assure you in the next few minutes I immediately removed any doubt from his mind that I was, in fact, NOT. I INHALED the burger. It's sort of a blur, I just remember staring at the 1/4 of my burger that was left and thinking, "OH NO, I TOTALLY FUCKED THIS UP SO BADLY." I mustered up the nerve to look at my date - his jaw dropped and I could see that he had taken maybe a few bites out of his burger. I looked up at him and then dropped my head in my hands and said, "OH MY GOODNESS, I'M SO BAD AT THIS!" He looked up and a huge grin ran across his face. He chuckled and said, "That's NEVER happened before! I think I need to order a second round of fries to feel like a man!" I apologized for being a total fuckup and the funniest thing happened, he told me it was one of the coolest things that he'd ever seen. We ended up dating for over two years.
And that's the extent of my charm.
I'm going to go adopt some cats now.
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